Again

So, after returning from a trip to Arkansas this past week I came home to an interesting situation.

Evie, Lydia, and Tyler are all moving back to Denver. This was decided in about 2 days. We are going to start moving out this week.

Once again, I need to find a new place to live. I am beginning to think that Costa Rica put some weird spell on me. Ever since I came back from Costa Rica, I haven't lived anywhere longer than 3 months. I'm beginning to wonder when this cycle of not knowing where I'll be one week to the next will end.

I'm going to finish the week out at Chipotle and then go stay with my parents for a bit while I figure out where to go next.

Even though this is all really sudden and fairly hectic, I feel that this needed to happen. Evie, Lydia, Tyler, and I were all coming to similar conclusions at the same time. It was to the point where we all couldn't really deny that we are no longer supposed to be here.

Any suggestions as to where I should go?

Earth Week

I have decided that I want to be a person who is constantly creating. I am not sure of very many things, but one thing that I am sure of is that nothing brings me a deeper sense of fulfillment than creating.

Creating beauty.
Creating genuine interactions.
Creating art.
Creating connections.
Creating music.

Yesterday I went home to help my mom plant some raspberry bushes and take pictures for my parent's bakery.




Great form, right?














And then there's this...

Reasons to be Alive

My stream of experiences continually remind me to see the fragility of balance.

At the same time, I can't help but recognize the ability of unsuspecting resilience.


These are the only flowers of this type that live in our yard.


This three-legged cat takes care of me.

It is Spring.

Here's to you Little Angie

I went home yesterday to do some photography for my parent's bakery website. Being at home has made me really think about my past. I walked around our land and roamed into our barns. It was strange really allowing myself to think about all that has happened within the past 10-12 years of my life. I found old diaries and journals from 8-10 year old Angie. In one of my old diaries I came across a letter I had written to myself in the future. The letter was composed of questions asking about what type of person I had become. It really was quite humbling to remember that side of myself.

After all of this reflection on my past I came to a solid conclusion: Little Angie was way cooler than the current Angie. These are some of the things that Little Angie did that I feel the need to find a way of doing again.

- Plant and take care of a strawberry patch
- Sit in trees for hours listening and observing birds
- Make swings hanging off of trees out of rope and scrap wood
- Build benches out of tree stumps
- Lay in the backyard at night and try to pick out constellations
- Play the piano for at least an hour everyday
- Write stories
- Draw
- Have wrestling competitions on the trampoline/stuff my shirt with pillows and have sumo wrestling matches
- Explore
- Run just for the thrill of seeing how fast I can get my legs to move
- Slide on my stomach in puddles while it's raining
- Let my sisters tie me up with ropes and hang me from the rafters in our barn so that I can jump off the hay-loft in an attempt to fly
- Go on bike rides
- Choreograph dances on my rollerblades
- Sew pillows
- Cry while watching The Lion King
- Perform marriage ceremonies with our cats
- Wear panda sweaters
- Allow myself to get excited about little things







Here's to you Little Angie.

Energy healing?

I had an interesting past week.

Sunday night I was working at the cash register. We were pretty slow and there was only one couple going through the line. When the girl came up to the cash register we started to talk a little bit. Some how it was brought up that I just moved to Kansas City. She told me that she was hosting a female craft night on Monday and asked me if I would like to come. I've been looking for as many ways of getting plugged into the city anyway, so I agreed to come.

On Monday I showed up to the craft night with my knitting in hand (I'm knitting a pillow). Aside from myself, four other girls showed up. The original initiative for the night was to work on crafts, but instead we just talked the entire time. As we were talking about our backgrounds, we came to the realization that not a single one of us was from Kansas City and had no idea how we ended up here. We collectively came from Swtizerland, Michigan, Texas, and Western Kansas. The more we discussed the more we realized how we have all been thinking about very similar ideas as of recent.

The girl who invited me is learning how to be an energy healer. From what she explained, an energy healer is a person who observes energies of different types and helps people learn how to channel their energy in healthy ways. She told me the reason she invited me was because she could sense my energy and felt a unique type of energy from me. I'm not quite sure how to feel about this type of stuff. It slightly creeped me out, but at the same time I also felt a strange type of comfort.

As the night continued, all of us began to realize that we were all on the same page. We had all come from completely different backgrounds but were coming to the same conclusions about life. How do you explain this?

We started to discuss the idea of collective consciousness and the changing of the seasons. Not only that, but the idea that we are all one. The same thread of truth and ideas is flowing all around but in different forms and with different terms attached. We need to stop finding reasons to separate and disattach ourselves from everything that is important. We can't continue to believe that we are autonomous.

The lady from Switzerland was pretty much preaching. She had also studied energy reading and she started going around the room telling everyone what their strength was. Everyone had a fairly practical and obvious strength. One girl was a giver. One girl was a library: a source of information. I can't remember what the other girl was... And then she just looked at me straight in the eye and said, "You are a fairy. You are magical. You have a really intense communication with nature." WHAT?! What is that supposed to mean? How do you react to a comment like that?

I know this all sounds really strange, and I can't really deny that it isn't. But, as I was looking back on our conversation I couldn't help but see the connection between Christianity and these "energies." Energies are pretty much a different term for spiritual gifts and the idea of the body of Christ: learning how to develop our gifts the best that we can to serve a role that needs to be filled. The energy healer was talking about how she has a lot of healing to do and how she feels as though she cannot help guide other people until she has healed more herself.

It's all the same! I felt like I was in a Bible study minus all the Christianese terms.

I'm sure that there are many people that would disagree with me on this, but there is something going on that I can't really explain. For the past year I have been learning the same theme over and over again from people and nature communicated in different ways. It's to the point where I absolutely cannot pretend to not observe this.

Anyway, I'm through sounding like a "stereotypical hippie" for the day.

Here are some pictures.



I looked out my window to discover this majestic being.



This is where we do our grocery shopping.



Evie, Tyler, and I went on a walk the other day and there was a dog on a roof barking at us named Murphy.

I need to get out of this coffee shop. There is a creeper guy here drawing pictures of sexy anime girls who keeps on eye balling me. Seriously?

Some days I get the weird feeling that my life isn't real, but more that it is some strange sort of cruel/strange assortment of experiences that is here for another's entertainment. The amount of experiences (strange ones) I have had within the past year have really been ridiculous. I have absolutely no idea how to digest all of what has happeend and is happening. If I tried, I couldn't even come close to calculating the amount of experiences that I have just thought to myself, "What the hell? Is this seriously happening? Am I crazy?" I have a difficult time not feeling like a cynical old man who scoffs at everything that crosses my path.

Chipotle is still ridiculous as ever. I'm pretty sure I could easily write every blog about my experiences at Chipotle. I suppose that I really don't want to accept the hard truth that I am no longer the consumer of Chipotle burritos, but they indeed are consuming me. I am planning on asking my manager for less hours today. 38 hours a week at Chipotle is just enitrely too much. Just too much. It's getting to the point where when I get up in the morning and look in the mirror I can't help but expect to see a Chipotle burrito staring back that will say to me, "You are mine. With chips and guacamole."

Sidenote: Why the hell is this coffee shop playing instrumental inspirational music? What is this, Hobby Lobby?

Two main ideas that have been constrantly recurring in my life revolve around these two concepts:

1. When to let go and when to hold on.
2. What to do when you realize that everything that you've been told to want isn't what you desire at all.

Not that I am opposed to talking to other people who have completely different ways of thinking than I do, but I can't deny that there is absolutely nothing more comforting than talking to a person who I don't have to offer an explanation to every little detail of my life to. To be around a person who really just understands.

A huge part of me wants to be in school where it is easy to have friends, be in a community, feel some sort of stability, and have knowledge handed to me constantly. But for some reason, even though I do desire this, it is not something that can settle with me. It is a frightening thing to discover how vulnerable you actually are when so much of what previously gave you stability is no longer present.

These words have given me a lot of hope as of recent.

On Joy and Sorrow: Kahlil Gibran

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which
has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping
for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

So long winter.

January and February are finally over. Praise the Lord.

January and February are always undoubtedly difficult months for me. For some reason for the past few years it has proven to be this way. I'm pretty sure that whenever I die it will be in either January or February. Even at the age of 20 I almost lost my will to live. I can only imagine what would've happened if I were 75 years old.

It snowed here on Saturday. Two days after it had been 70 degrees. Of course. I thought I had made it through the winter completely escaping my annual ice wipe out (yes, I really do have an annual wipe out). When I was leaving for work I was running across the street and hit the ground pretty hard. Luckily, after playing volleyball for 5 years I learned how to fall without killing myself (pretty much the only valuable thing I learned from sports).

I've been working on writing a new accordion song. I think I pretty much have all the music written for it. Now it's just a matter of writing lyrics that I am happy with. We are planning on having house shows some time in the near future. I would really to work on creating an environment where artists feel as though they are being supported and encouraged in comparison to critiqued and compared. Sharing personal artwork is terrifying enough by itself. I think that it if were presented in a way that was seen as more of vulnerable service to others instead of a terrifying judging fest more people would be willing to share their talents. I think sometimes we all forget that the talents we feel self-conscious about are actually appreciated by other people.

Yesterday marked my 2 weeks at Chipotle. I'm not really quite sure how to feel about working there yet. Most of the people I work with are really nice, but since I've been there two people have been fired and one more will be fired soon. I've been told that I am one of the first employees of the "new wave" of Chipotle. I'm not really sure how to feel about this. It's nice to have a job to cover all my expenses and to have a steady amount of income, but it has been a long time since I have had such a consistent job.

Since I am an avid people watcher, I have found the variety of people who eat at Chipotle very interesting. All different ethnicities, social classes, ages, etc... And, believe it or not... There are people who actually eat at Chipotle EVERY DAY. Yes, it's true.

There was a man and his son that came in yesterday who I found rather amusing:

The father came up to the cash register with a sly little smirk of pride on his face. He had this strange spark in his eye. When I handed him his receipt he leaned in and we had this conversation:

Father: "This is my son's first Chipotle burrito EVER."
Me: "Wow, this is really quite the monumental occasion." <-- Rather sarcastically.
Father: "I know. I remember when I took my first bite of a Chipotle burrito. It's something I'll never forget."
Me: "Well, I'm glad to know that you are passing the torch to your son."
Father: "Yes, I'm sure that his burrito will be cherished as much as my first one was."

As they walked to their table the father put his hand on his son's shoulder with a beaming face. After they left I felt as though I had just witnessed some form of passage into manhood.

It's entirely too ridiculous how seriously people take their Chipotle burritos.

Burritos always seem to make my life better.

For some reason burritos always seem to make things in my life better. So, it's no surprise that once again, burritos have pulled through for me.

Within the past week I got a job at Chipotle Mexican Grill. It's been really good so far. About 90% of the people I work with are from Mexico, which I'm really excited about. I've missed all the Costa Rican big mamas and now I get to work with Mexican big mamas. They are incredibly patient with me while I've been making all the beginner mistakes and have some of the biggest smiles I've ever seen. Not only that, but now I can have friends who can help me with my Spanish and who I can help with English. It's a nice exchange and a good bonding experience.

I feel really lucky to have a job where I am treated well and get to work with great people. That's all for now.

I need to go roll some burritos and learn Spanish.

The Moon, Tsunamis, and Christianity

Today is one those days where I feel like my brain is in a million different places. I feel slightly crazy and overwhelmed by all the things that there are to think about. Sorry if this blog is all over the place.

Boredom has become a rather foreign idea to me. I've been finding myself desiring to sit in one spot for a long period of time with nothing else other than a cup of tea and my own little pea brain. Sometimes it's even to the point where I feel like I can't be in social situations because it's too overwhelming for my brain to process what is already in my head along with whatever new information a conversation or new experience may bring.

One of the many things that has been filling my brain as of recent is due to the moon. Within the past year I have become really fascinated with the moon and the effects that is has on nature and human temperaments. I think that in our culture we have lost the art of being aware of nature. Evie and I were discussing this the other day and she brought up the fact that in our culture we have to check the news or some online source to know what the weather will be. I suppose the we don't have time to step outside our door and look at the sky.

The other day Evie, Tyler, and I went to our friend's house. One of the friends we went to visit is a nurse. We began discussing with her the effects of the moon on humans. She told us that no one at the hospital ever wants to work on the night of a full moon because there are so many more babies born and patients to take care in comparison to a normal day. WHAT?!

I did some more research today and found several really interesting articles about the tsunami that hit a few years ago. Here is part of one the blew my mind:

"Wild animals survive by being always alert. That's what keeps them alive. Nature is very resilient. We shouldn't forget the fact that we are also part of nature."
Amongst the news reports of the recent Asian tsunami are numerous uncanny stories from across the region of animals who appear to have sensed the disaster before it happened. In Sri Lanka, for example, Yala National Park suffered numerous human casualties, but bizarrely "the wildlife suffered almost no casualties. The elephants, wild boar, deer, monkeys and others had moved inland to avoid the killer waves." Some survivors, for instance, have described how the monkeys refused to accept bananas shortly before the tsunami arrived:

"Bananas would be something normally that would make monkeys go bananas. These monkeys were totally disinterested, staring up in a confused mode as if they were reacting to something."

Another Sri Lankan survivor described how "his two Doberman Pinschers refused to go for their daily jog along the beach about 90 minutes before the tsunami." Over in Thailand, a dozen tourists were saved from the tsunami which struck Khao Lak when several agitated elephants broke their chains and fled for the hills. At least 3,800 other people would be killed when the tsunami arrived. Over in Phuket, a survivor described "seeing dogs running inland minutes before the tsunami struck." Over in India, the authorities "have reported that the indigenous, stone-age tribes of the Andaman and Nicobar islands escaped the effects of the tsunami because they heeded warning signals from birds and animals."

WHAT?! How crazy is all of this?

Just think how many people would've survived the tsunami if we knew how to pay attention to the signs that nature and animals gave us. It really just blows my mind beyond belief.

Also, as many people of this generation are experiencing, I have grown very weary of the Christian culture (great transition of topic, right?).

I'm tired of thinking that the only way of growing close to God is through having "quiet time" and reading the Bible for x amounts of minutes or hours.

I'm tired of being guilted into "using my gifts" for selfish endeavors.

I'm tired of trying to fix people and having people try to fix me. I despise the question of "What is the Lord doing in your life? Have you been in the word lately? What church do you go to?" How are you supposed to answer that? I have no idea what God is doing!

I'm tired of older people thinking that I am just a confused young person who is incapable of possessing any self control or decision-making abilities. Not only that, but then proceeding to inflict their divine unquestioned wisdom upon me. Hm. I suppose that after a cetain age you can never be in the wrong.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for being a human.

No, I don't want a Sunday school solution for my life.
No, I don't want to a join a social clique whose main mission is to judge other people.

All I really know is that God is allowing me to be in a constant whirwind of confusion. If God can ONLY speak through a quiet time, a Jesus-is-my-boyfriend generic praise and worship song, or a white male pastor, I don't know what type of God we are believing in.

Home?

This is going to be a brief update. There is too much business to take care of.

As most of you don't know, I officially moved to Kansas City last Sunday.

I live in a house with my sister (Evie) and her boyfriend (Tyler). My other sister (Lydia) and a three-legged cat (Ganglamesh) will be joining us in a few weeks. Yeah, I know, three sisters, one guy, and a three-legged cat living in a house together. Strange. You can imagine the types of comments we have already received. But, in truth, this is pretty much the ideal living situation for all of us. I can't really think of any other people that I would rather live with. We cook together for almost every meal (mostly rice and beans) and eat on the floor. It's great to be living with people who really want to take care of each other.

We are all currenly jobless. As everyone already knows, it is a hard time to find a job. Yesterday I just got out a phone book and started calling random places to see if anyone was hiring. Out of the 8-10 places I called, only one place was possibly hiring. I started calling random businesses almost as a strange type of game to see who all wasn't hiring. We have a few possibilites of jobs that might work out, but nothing is definite. Chipotle is looking like my most promising possibility (big surprise, right?). If that job doesn't work out, I will be hittin the streets with my accordion. You think I'm kidding...

Tyler gave a little old lady a ride home from the grocery store the other day. In the midst of taking her home the old lady unzipped her pants and pulled out a package of Jimmy Dean sausages. She looked at Tyler and said, "You gotta do whatch' you gotta do sometimes." It looks as though I might be adopting this philosophy.

Our house is really beautiful. The house has 4-5 bedrooms, all hardwood floors, new appliances, two full baths, a great front porch, a nice landlord, and most importantly... $800 rent split between four people. The neighborhood we live in is relatively quiet and peaceful with friendly neighbors. Kansas City is one of those places where one block can be one of the safest places you could possibly be while the next block is nothing short of a shit storm. We heard gun shots from a few blocks away last night and then proceeded to see a helicopter with a spotlight flying around. Luckily, we spoke with one of our neighbors who has lived on our block for 5 years and he said that it was a really calm place to live and that all the neighbors really looked out for each other.

This has been one hell of a year. The nomadic lifestyle is a very romantic idea and I'm glad that I have made the decisions that I have, but I don't really think that this way of living is healthy for an extended period of time. I have come to discover that being tossed around and moving all the time is too emotionally exhausting.

Needless to say, it feels good to be living with people in a more permanent state.

I live with some of my best friends, have enough food to eat, and a roof over my head.

Please come visit soon. We'd love to have you. I'll feed you rice and beans.

A Reluctant Beginning

I'm not quite sure how to feel about beginning a new blog.

My absence from the blogging "community" (should the word "blogging" and "community" even be in the same sentence?) has been a considerable amount of time. As most of you already know, I maintained a blog for my excursion to Costa Rica. My Costa Rica blog was not necessarily something that I used as a writing outlet, but more as a practical way of informing all my loved ones of my current state of being. Aside from the Costa Rica blog, my blogging past has been a shady one : composed mostly of cheesy high school posts that eerily resemble devotional books aimed at pre-teens.

Neglecting the fact that I still have a bad taste in my mouth from the Xanga glory days, there are a few other reasons that I have feelings of reluctance towards blogging.

1 : I feel that to a certain extent internet communication makes it entirely too easy to feel a false sense of intimacy and connection with whoever I am messaging, reading about, or just blatantly creepin on. It bothers me how many people are incredibly vulnerable over forms of communication such as blogging, texts, aim, etc, and yet will never verbally speak a vulnerable word within an actual conversation. I suppose rejection and the risk of looking stupid is easier when there is a computer screen to hide behind.

2 : The art of writing in a journal is something that I really hope never dies. Handwritten words seem to carry a much heavier weight of sincerity than disposable words typed on a keyboard.

3 : Along with the previous thought, I feel that blogging is almost too efficient. I despise the idea of creating as much as you can as quickly as possible. This is the very ideal that I have been at war with this past year. With blogging I can record my thoughts almost too quickly, which goes against the very principles in which I'm trying to base my life upon. The theme of efficiency seems to be the thief that robs me of my patience.

4 : If I have a blog, I will spend more time on the computer and less time doing other things that might possibly be more beneficial.

So now that I have listed all my reasons as to why I am reluctant, I think that it would only be sensible to explain my reasons for why I am even attempting to blog again.

1 : Since I am currently not in school, writing in a public form will be beneficial in maintaing my grammar and spelling. Not only that, but writing it will encourage me to think on a deeper level about the opinions or thoughts that I choose to write about.

2 : I enjoy writing.

3 : Due to my current living situation, I do not have many people around that I can verbally share my thoughts and ideas with.

4 : The majority of the people who might read this blog are dear friends who unforunately do not live within a close proximity to me.

I suppose that I will give this a shot for a little while, or maybe a long while.

Perhaps next time my whole blog won't revolve around the subject of blogging.